Argentina began their title defense with a comfortable victory, but they are not the best team at this tournament. Not yet.
Our team of cynical, sleep-deprived journalists watched every single minute of the opening round. We sat through the masterpieces, the stalemates, and the absolute disasters.
Here is our definitive, unfiltered ranking of all 48 teams from first to worst. Disagree? Let us hear it.
1. France (Group I. Beat Senegal 3-1)
Believed the hype. Delivered. A terrifying second-half display proved they have no weak links. The undisputed favorites.
2. England (Group L. Beat Croatia 4-2)
Scored four. Could have had eight. Harry Kane ran the show. The defense remains a worry, but the attack is lethal.
3. Argentina (Group G. Beat Algeria 3-0)
They have Lionel Messi. The rest of the squad simply basks in his genius. That is enough.
4. Germany (Group E. Beat Curacao 7-1)
Seven goals. Yes, it was Curacao. Still, you cannot ignore a slaughter.
5. USA (Group D. Beat Paraguay 4-1)
A shock entry in the top five. Blew Paraguay away with slick transitions. Home turf helps.
6. Norway (Group I. Beat Iraq 4-1)
Give the ball to Erling Haaland. Let him destroy. Simple, brutal, effective.
7. Colombia (Group K. Beat Uzbekistan 3-1)
Fast. Mean. Luis Diaz adds the magic. They will ruin someone’s tournament.
8. Morocco (Group C. Drew 1-1 with Brazil)
Terrified Brazil for twenty minutes. Then they got lazy and settled. More to come.
9. Brazil (Group C. Drew 1-1 with Morocco)
Old, slow start. Had us worried. But these veterans know how to survive.
10. Sweden (Group F. Beat Tunisia 5-1)
Lethal up front. Midfielders who actually want to score. Dangerous.
11. Australia (Group D. Beat Turkey 2-0)
Fast and ruthless. Turkey were the favorites on paper. Paper does not play.
12. Spain (Group H. Drew 0-0 with Cape Verde)
A total embarrassment. Created fifty chances, finished zero. They will still qualify, unfortunately.
13. Netherlands (Group F. Drew 2-2 with Japan)
Should have buried Japan. Didn’t. The defense is a disaster waiting to happen.
14. Mexico (Group A. Beat South Africa 2-0)
Outclassed a terrible South Africa. Cesar Montes getting red-carded was stupid, though.
15. Japan (Group F. Drew 2-2 with Netherlands)
Great fightback. But where was this ambition from the start? Stop playing scared.
16. Scotland (Group C. Beat Haiti 1-0)
Ugly win. Terrible performance. But after 28 years of waiting, who cares?
17. Cape Verde (Group H. Drew 0-0 with Spain)
The tournament darlings. Vozinha in goal was a brick wall.
18. Belgium (Group G. Drew 1-1 with Egypt)
Needed a gift own-goal to escape. Still, the hardest game is out of the way.
19. Egypt (Group G. Drew 1-1 with Belgium)
Almost did it. Emam Ashour scored a beauty. Then they parked the bus and created nothing.
20. Senegal (Group I. Lost 3-1 to France)
No shame here. Held out until the 66th minute. Jackson hit the post; could have been different.
21. Portugal (Group K. Drew 1-1 with DR Congo)
Cristiano Ronaldo is still there. The team looks exhausted from carrying his ego.
22. Croatia (Group L. Lost 4-2 to England)
Scored twice. Looked decent going forward. Defensively, they are ancient and slow.
23. DR Congo (Group K. Drew 1-1 with Portugal)
Organized. Tough. Caught Portugal sleeping on the counter.
24. Switzerland (Group B. Drew 1-1 with Qatar)
Pathetic. Had all the chances. Couldn’t hit a barn door.
25. New Zealand (Group G. Drew 2-2 with Iran)
Pure grit. The lowest-ranked team showed real teeth. Elijah Just is a player.
26. Iran (Group G. Drew 2-2 with New Zealand)
Lucky to get a point. Defensively chaotic.
27. Saudi Arabia (Group H. Drew 1-1 with Uruguay)
No longer the whipping boys. Disciplined, dangerous on the break.
28. Haiti (Group C. Lost 1-0 to Scotland)
Physical and athletic. Zero composure in front of goal.
29. South Korea (Group A. Beat Czech Republic 2-1)
Labored. Struggled to break down a mediocre side. Got the job done, barely.
30. Uruguay (Group H. Drew 1-1 with Saudi Arabia)
28 shots. One goal. Marcelo Bielsa needs to teach these guys how to shoot.
31. Turkey (Group D. Lost 2-0 to Australia)
70% possession. Zero ideas. A miserable return to the big stage.
32. Austria (Group J. Beat Jordan 3-1)
Needed a penalty and an own goal. Pathetic. Argentina will destroy them.
33. Ivory Coast (Group E. Beat Ecuador 1-0)
Boring. Amad Diallo came on and saved them from total mediocrity.
34. Ghana (Group L. Beat Panama 1-0)
Awful for 94 minutes. Saved by a miracle in the 95th. England will eat them alive.
35. Algeria (Group J. Lost to Argentina 3-0)
Chasing Messi’s shadow. Zero shots on target. Depressing.
36. Jordan (Group J. Lost to Austria 3-1)
Nice goal. That is it. Going home early.
37. Bosnia-Herzegovina (Group B. Drew 1-1 with Canada)
Had it won. Ruined by a cruel deflection in Toronto.
38. Canada (Group B. Drew 1-1 with Bosnia-Herzegovina)
Home crowd, big expectations. Needed a lucky deflection to save face.
39. Iraq (Group I. Lost 4-1 to Norway)
Haaland exists. Iraq could do nothing about it.
40. Ecuador (Group E. Lost 1-0 to Ivory Coast)
Hyped as dark horses. Delivered a wet firework. Nice shirts, though.
41. Czech Republic (Group A. Lost 2-1 to South Korea)
Slow. Boring. Blew a lead. Euro 96 is a very distant memory.
42. Uzbekistan (Group K. Lost 3-1 to Colombia)
Brave. Scored their first-ever World Cup goal. Still got outclassed.
43. South Africa (Group A. Lost 2-0 to Mexico)
Generous hosts. Gave the ball away constantly. Finished with nine men. A disaster.
44. Qatar (Group B. Drew 1-1 with Switzerland)
Incredibly lucky. Switzerland should have scored six.
45. Paraguay (Group D. Lost 4-1 to USA)
Obliterated. Unwatchable, negative football.
46. Tunisia (Group F. Lost 5-1 to Sweden)
Sacked their manager immediately after the whistle. Absolute shambles.
47. Panama (Group L. Lost 1-0 to Ghana)
Played for a 0-0 in one of the worst games ever. Punished in the 95th minute. Good.
48. Curacao (Group E. Lost 7-1 to Germany)
Hammered. But they scored against Germany. They will tell their grandkids.
